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Computer Jokes - Longer Jokes



Welcome to longer computer jokes

We hope that computers can be fun too, and this page aims to give you some laughs. You can click the links below to take you to the appropriate section.


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Longer Jokes

If Microsoft had been the first to invent books

  1. Before you can open the cover of your new book, you must obtain a book activation code by phoning Microsoft.
  2. Sorry, only one person may ever read your book.
  3. It's full of spelling mistakes and typos.
  4. When you're reading your book, the type can mysteriously disappear.
  5. Libraries, which are for sharing books, are illegal.
  6. You must acknowledge you have read and understood the Book License Agreement Hype (BLAH) before you can read your book.
  7. Microsoft has the right to enter your premises to conduct book inspections to make sure your book is being read in accordance with the BLAH.
  8. The Book Users' Group General Alliance (BUGGA) calculates that the annual loss of revenues to Microsoft arising from BLAH violations in 2001 was $10.97 billion.
  9. There are two versions of your book - the "Standard" and the "Pro" versions. In the standard version, those pages containing the most useful information have been stuck together.
  10. At random times the letters your book may suddenly scramble for no apparent reason. Simply give the book a good kicking - this is called rebooting.

Virus Warning

If you receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter 'work' via email, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words 'I've had enough of your shit...I'm off down the pub'. Your brain should automatically forget the 'work' and your career will now be successfully destroyed.

If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work' will no longer be of any relevance to you and that 'Scooby Doo' was the greatest children's cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your mailbox. If you do not have anyone in your mailbox, then I'm afraid the 'work' virus has corrupted your life. Go out and get some friends.

BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus)
Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.

PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORETTA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows

LETTER TO A CHRONIC COMPUTER USER

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this E-mail thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Jimmy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Suzy turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Suzy, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and discovered that it really is more fun! Fred, I mean, Mr. Johnson the department head, has, uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Love, Your Wife


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